Wishing for Baby No. 3

I'm in my late 30s. It pains me to admit it, but I am. Which means my biological clock is ticking like crazy. I want another baby but it's hard to make one alone. My husband, the practical one, has refused to give in to my request to try for another baby. With the rising cost of education, not to mention all the other child-rearing expenses, he feels he won't be able to provide for all the needs of three kids.

I wish for a girl. I've been blessed by two lovely boys, but I do wish for a girl. I told my husband we should try for a third one... if it's a girl, then yey! But if it's still a boy, I'll just shut up and ask no more.

I have always wanted a big family. I had just one sibling and most of the time I wished I had more. Just more brothers or sisters to talk to. My parents' reason for not having another one is the same as my husband. Even my closest friends feel the same way. Such sensible people.

My head understands them but my heart is hurt. In my mind, I feel the same way. I mean, I get it. Life is hard and we are able to provide for our two kids now, we don't want them to feel deprived of important things because there's too many of them. But I just can't accept that a gift from God is reduced to value of money. A cost-center. An expense. He would say we should save up for it. That would be easy if we had all the time in the world... but hello?! Factory is almost closing!!! Having another kid after two years could be dangerous for me and the baby health-wise.

Lately whenever I try to talk about it, he would change the topic. And it looks like he will never budge. He's a rock that way. I shouldn't be surprised, it took him ten years (and ten thousand threats...) before he asked me to marry him... unless we win the lotto...

So now, I'm teaching my heart to accept. I should be thankful I have been blessed with children when so many are dying to have at least one. Thankful that they are healthy and normal as normal goes. Writing this down is also part of my acceptance. Marriage is a partnership after all. Decisions are shared and compromises have to made sometimes.